For the Ladies

It's rare that I post journal-like entries as this one, because I don't like to get too personal on my blog for it to float out in cyberspace, but today I'm making an exception.

So, I had a massive break down this weekend over the pressures and hardships of being a stay at home mom. After a weekend of being a complete jerk to my family and being completely self-consumed, I finally decided that I needed to have a long talk with my husband about what I was feeling, and I'm going to share some of that now.

I love my life, I love my children, I love my husband, and I love being a stay at home mom. I would never in a million years do it different. Lets just be clear about that from the get go. But, just because I love all these, doesn't mean that there isn't any negative to all the positive.

I have been watching my husband the last few months become pretty successful. I watch him leave happy in the morning and return happy and it's fabulous and amazing and I'm so happy for him. I have repeatedly met coworkers of his and they are all incredible people and they all praise my husband up and down; which they should because he is amazing, and I stand by his side and feel proud that he's mine. But that doesn't mean that there isn't this slightly selfish woman deep inside that feels extremely jealous of it all.

I use to work, I remember what it was like and frankly I'm going to toot my own horn: I was (*&^ good employee. I remember what it was like to be praised and admired and have a boss freak out at the possibility of me leaving. It's an incredible feeling! I don't stay home because I'm incompetent in the work field. I stay home because that's where I feel I belong and it's where I feel I need to be, and it is where I ultimately WANT to be. But again, that doesn't mean there isn't a small part of me that misses what it was like when I wasn't home.

Being a mother is a thankless job. I can reassure you that my children don't go around my house praising the job I'm doing. Occasionally I do hear, "Mom! Did you wash my elephant jammies!? Oh, thank you!" And my heart soars, but most the time I hear, "It's okay Mom that I just spilled my juice. You can clean it up." Or, "RAR! I want to be a grumpy grump! And I want to break things and hit you!" And my heart does not soar at such proclamations.

I've also been extremely jealous of my husband lately too because he just leaves when he wants to leave. This place is home to him and he comes and goes when he wants/needs. I feel I can't just leave whenever, not without making complicated arrangements and I don't ever just "go home." Home is a work place as much as it is a home. I walk in the door and see toys, dishes, a carpet craving a good vacuuming, dust, laundry and ultimately work. It doesn't end, ever, and sometimes it just wares a little on me.

So after a long cry and talk with my husband, he and I have decided that a few things. First, I need out more. At first my husband suggestion that maybe I should get a job to fulfill this need. The problem is, that doesn't solve the problem that I still have a full time job here. That's just adding work on top of work. And as I stated earlier, I may have a want to be working but my want to stay home over rides that first want. But it doesn't change the slight negative that comes from the positive.

So my sweet husband is good to let me have one night a week to myself where I can leave and do whatever I want for as long as I want. We just need to be a little more consistent with it since the holidays I haven't gone out once. Which I'm sure the lack of time to myself was a huge contributor to my break down. But more than that we realized, that I need friends. I realize that sounds lame. But I watch him socialize and interact with people all day, and then he even gets to go to play basketball one to two times a week with friends. I don't have that. I SOMETIMES get a playdate with another mom but it's dictated by all the children's schedules and more than half the time canceled due to their runny noses and coughs. And even when it does actually pan out, I spend more time breaking up fights, feeding faces, and cleaning up after them than I do just talking with another adult.

My husband and I came to the conclusion that I need more girls night outs. It's hard for me, because I feel guilty when I go on girls nights. I love it, but I usually spend money and I feel like I'm deserting my responsibilities and sometimes the guilt is so extreme that it makes me feel like I'm breaking parole. But again, my sweet husband conveyed to me that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm shackled to my house and that I can't just leave him to be a parent, not a babysitter, a parent. So I'm going to do it. Once a week I'm going to take my night out to myself, but I am going to make sure that I have lined up once maybe twice (heaven forbid) a MONTH a girls night with friend.

So ladies...which of you would enjoy a girls night? I want to get things on my calendar, so that it's set in stone and I won't neglect my personal needs anymore.