For the Ladies

It's rare that I post journal-like entries as this one, because I don't like to get too personal on my blog for it to float out in cyberspace, but today I'm making an exception.

So, I had a massive break down this weekend over the pressures and hardships of being a stay at home mom. After a weekend of being a complete jerk to my family and being completely self-consumed, I finally decided that I needed to have a long talk with my husband about what I was feeling, and I'm going to share some of that now.

I love my life, I love my children, I love my husband, and I love being a stay at home mom. I would never in a million years do it different. Lets just be clear about that from the get go. But, just because I love all these, doesn't mean that there isn't any negative to all the positive.

I have been watching my husband the last few months become pretty successful. I watch him leave happy in the morning and return happy and it's fabulous and amazing and I'm so happy for him. I have repeatedly met coworkers of his and they are all incredible people and they all praise my husband up and down; which they should because he is amazing, and I stand by his side and feel proud that he's mine. But that doesn't mean that there isn't this slightly selfish woman deep inside that feels extremely jealous of it all.

I use to work, I remember what it was like and frankly I'm going to toot my own horn: I was (*&^ good employee. I remember what it was like to be praised and admired and have a boss freak out at the possibility of me leaving. It's an incredible feeling! I don't stay home because I'm incompetent in the work field. I stay home because that's where I feel I belong and it's where I feel I need to be, and it is where I ultimately WANT to be. But again, that doesn't mean there isn't a small part of me that misses what it was like when I wasn't home.

Being a mother is a thankless job. I can reassure you that my children don't go around my house praising the job I'm doing. Occasionally I do hear, "Mom! Did you wash my elephant jammies!? Oh, thank you!" And my heart soars, but most the time I hear, "It's okay Mom that I just spilled my juice. You can clean it up." Or, "RAR! I want to be a grumpy grump! And I want to break things and hit you!" And my heart does not soar at such proclamations.

I've also been extremely jealous of my husband lately too because he just leaves when he wants to leave. This place is home to him and he comes and goes when he wants/needs. I feel I can't just leave whenever, not without making complicated arrangements and I don't ever just "go home." Home is a work place as much as it is a home. I walk in the door and see toys, dishes, a carpet craving a good vacuuming, dust, laundry and ultimately work. It doesn't end, ever, and sometimes it just wares a little on me.

So after a long cry and talk with my husband, he and I have decided that a few things. First, I need out more. At first my husband suggestion that maybe I should get a job to fulfill this need. The problem is, that doesn't solve the problem that I still have a full time job here. That's just adding work on top of work. And as I stated earlier, I may have a want to be working but my want to stay home over rides that first want. But it doesn't change the slight negative that comes from the positive.

So my sweet husband is good to let me have one night a week to myself where I can leave and do whatever I want for as long as I want. We just need to be a little more consistent with it since the holidays I haven't gone out once. Which I'm sure the lack of time to myself was a huge contributor to my break down. But more than that we realized, that I need friends. I realize that sounds lame. But I watch him socialize and interact with people all day, and then he even gets to go to play basketball one to two times a week with friends. I don't have that. I SOMETIMES get a playdate with another mom but it's dictated by all the children's schedules and more than half the time canceled due to their runny noses and coughs. And even when it does actually pan out, I spend more time breaking up fights, feeding faces, and cleaning up after them than I do just talking with another adult.

My husband and I came to the conclusion that I need more girls night outs. It's hard for me, because I feel guilty when I go on girls nights. I love it, but I usually spend money and I feel like I'm deserting my responsibilities and sometimes the guilt is so extreme that it makes me feel like I'm breaking parole. But again, my sweet husband conveyed to me that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm shackled to my house and that I can't just leave him to be a parent, not a babysitter, a parent. So I'm going to do it. Once a week I'm going to take my night out to myself, but I am going to make sure that I have lined up once maybe twice (heaven forbid) a MONTH a girls night with friend.

So ladies...which of you would enjoy a girls night? I want to get things on my calendar, so that it's set in stone and I won't neglect my personal needs anymore.

Missisms

I haven't made a post of funny things my girls say in awhile. So here are the latest. And now that Missy (Baby Girl) is two, she has her own list as well.

Missy's (Baby Girl):

• Missy thinks that every baby figure on the changing tables in public restrooms are "baby Jesus."

• During the sacrament prayers Missy will whisper in my ear over and over, "Jesus' body. Jesus' blood....."

• Missy pointing to Hagrid (from Harry Potter): It's Jesus!
  

• Missy: Little Miss is being a grumpy grump. (Looking at the Nativity) Mary, you being a grumpy grump? No. Jesus, you being a grumpy grump? No. Joseph, you being a grumpy grump? No. Just Little Miss being a grumpy grump. (do we have a reoccurring theme here?)

• Adam's dad has a very old dog named Vinnie. Vinnie has many seizures because he's getting old. Once when we were over at the house Vinnie had a seizure and I said, "Oh, Vinnie's getting old." Missy asks, "Vinnie's two?" I guess to a one year old (at the time) two is old.

• I was talking about my bad day at the dinner table and said something to the effect of "being at my wits end." Adam then replies in the voice of Iago (the parrot from Aladdin), "Ah, Wits end!" Then Missy pipes in with the same voice, "Why am I not surprised?!" (If you know the show Aladdin at all...it's funny)

• Probably inappropriate, but I think it's funny. If any of us in the family passes gas, Missy will shout, "Excuse me!"
  

• Missy pointing to Brian David Mitchell in the newspaper: It's Santa Claus!

Little Miss:

• Every once in awhile with Little Miss gets excited, instead of shouting, "Yea!" She will shout, "Hosanna!"

• Me: Man, I'm pooped. Little Miss: You pooped on the ground!?

• Little Miss singing: Follow the prophet, follow the prophet, follow the prophet. He doesn't know!

• Me: You can do that on Tuesday. Little Miss: No, I'll do it on Threes-day!

• Probably inappropriate...Little Miss was passing gas consecutively and yelled, "It's like fireworks out of my bum!"
  

• Little Miss: Ugh! Mom, my batteries died! Just like your grandpa died!

• For a long time every time Little Miss wanted something and Adam and I would tell her no, she would argue with, "But the sign says I can do it!" Apparently there was some invisible sign that over-ruled everything mom and dad said.

• She wanted to get my Turbo Cranium game down from the shelf. Me: No, you can't play that. Only mommies and daddies play that game. Little Miss: Can I just pretend to be a mommy or a daddy today and play the game?

• Little Miss singing: All I want for Christmas is my two brushed teeth! (instead of "two front teeth")
  

Little Quirks

I have notice little quirks of family and friends lately that I find bizarre or weird. Everything from my friend's discomfort when looking at watermellon seeds, to my brother-in-laws insisting that if he eats a peanut butter sandwich he has to have string cheese as a side, to my mother's habitual chocolate milk with her hand held solitare. So I started thinking, what are my weird or bizarre little quirks that make up me? And I realized, I have quite a few. Here's my weirdo list:

• I get ready in the dark, I like my pupils to be big when I'm looking in the mirror.
• I hate the sound of chocolate milk being stirred.
• I am a total GLEEK (if you don't know what a Gleek is, then no worries, you're not one.)
• I pulse my arm muscles to the beat of music unintentionally.
• I constantly pop my toes in my shoes while I'm standing or sitting.
• I tap my foot to the dotted lines of the freeway while driving.
• I like to make up musicals about my life in my spare quiet time when I'm deep in thought, and have ever since I was just a little girl. I hear a song and fit it into "my" musical.
• I LOVE nights when I can spend hours in the dark listening to my walk-man (yes, I said walk-man. Anyone want to donate to my I-Pod fund?) while I can live in my musical.
• I find that I get in color moods where everyone in my family wears that color that day (and even my children will have that color sippy cups and blankets) and I don't realize I've done it until someone in public points out how everything and everyone matches.
• I sing really loud in my car...my poor children.
• I sleep in a very tight fetal position.
• I am obsessive about journals. My last journal entry was over 70 pages, typed, single space, 11 pt font. I keep 4 different kinds of journals for my girls (each). And that's not including the scrapbooking records I keep. My posterity is really going to be annoyed I'm afraid. What can I say, I find my life fascinating?
• I could eat (and do) an entire bag of Mini Cabury Eggs in one sitting. And could go through a bag of chewy Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies in a day. I'm an addict.
• I cannot stand any object over my face. I have to have "fresh air" at all times.
• I'll admit it...I swear when I'm surprised/scared.
• My husband is the only one I have ever kissed or held hands with.
• I hate bedtime routines. Ask my husband, it's like pulling teeth trying to get me to brush my teeth or clean my face before bed. When I want to go to bed, I want to go to bed immediately.
• I blow my nose ALL day long. I go through easily 10 tissues in the first half hour of my morning.
• It hurts my teeth when I write with a dull pencil.
• I say things that my husbands says I should never admit (hence this list :)

That's probably enough to classify me as weird. So, what are yours I'm curious. What's your weird quirk?